With The Legal Alien – Monthly Musings from an Englishman in LA
By Darren Darnborough
An English guy walks into a Liquor store in LA.
“Can I have a bottle of beer?”
“Can I see your ID”
The guy pulls out his driving licence.
“No you can’t, you’re only 18.”
“Ok, can I have a shotgun?”
“Yes of course, here you go.”
The guy points the gun at the store clerk. “Now give me a bottle of beer!”
A lot of things in LA and America are difficult to get your head around. An English friend of mine has moved here and was frustrated to find that despite being a social butterfly in the UK, he pretty much could not go out here due to being a few months shy of 21, the legal drinking age. Yet he could buy a gun. Being English though, we aren’t exactly known for our understanding of and adaptability to foreign culture.
That’s why you can go to a Spanish holiday resort and feel that paella is an endangered
species yet full English fry-ups, Newcastle Brown Ale, and re-runs of Del Boy are as rife as porn in an all-boys boarding school.
We think we know everything, and are very unwilling to change our ways on the whole, and I’ve noticed this from the British contingent in the City of Angels.
A lot of Brits here have second-hand opinions about LA, which they haven’t shaken off, even when proven otherwise. I, for one was told many specifics by people before I arrived
that turned out to be complete fallacies. A lot of my sources of wisdom hadn’t even been
here! They were just regurgitating statements that they’d heard, probably fuelled by some
restrained jealously that they aren’t going.
So, to set the record straight, here are my top ten English LA myths, dispelled:
1. It’s always hot, sunny, and there are no seasons. Whilst us Angelenos do indeed get more than our fair share of rays, mornings here will often begin cloudy, especially during the month aptly named June Gloom. It doesn’t rain often, but when it does, it’s heavy. The trees shed their leaves in Autumn and blossom in Spring. In the winter when I arrived, it was so chilly at night that I slept fully clothed, under two duvets, with a fan heater and a radiator on full power…and I still caught a cold.
2. All the girls are good-looking. Now, it is true that the more aesthetically pleasing subjects may gravitate towards this entertainment capital, but LA still is home to a sufficient number of products of the ugly stick. The truth is people tend to take care of themselves more here and try to be presentable, but for some people, even if it’s broke, they still can’t fix it.
3. Everyone dresses casual. I was told this by so many people that I arrived with a suitcase full of t-shirts, jeans and flip-flops, lest I be tempted to overdress. LA is a beachside city so this rings true for some part, but it really depends what you do and where you go. Turn up to a posh house party or a red carpet event and you’ll wish you bought your Armani suit, in a sea of people all trying to elevate themselves in the fashion stakes. You only have to watch the Oscars to realise this is the way.
4 Everyone’s fake and full of crap. What I have found is that people may appear fake because they’ll be nice to you for no reason. They may also not continue to talk to you if they’re not interested. I just call that honest! But with the assumption that everyone’s lying about what they do, it seems to me the opposite – they often are actually doing what they say – it’s just a little extraordinary and unbelievable. There’s a lot of ambition here, and Google is the perfect companion to sniff out the talkers from the go-getters.
5 Traffic is bad, parking’s a nightmare. There are more cars in LA. Everyone drives. But traffic’s not that bad. I can drive with ease down Hollywood Blvd any time of day. Try driving down Oxford St in London at even 4am. The freeways get busy, but at rush hour, they still move at 30 mph – on the M25 you could perform an oil change. As for parking, I’ve learned a new term – “Rockstar Parking”. It describes the moment you can find a parking space exactly outside of where you want to be. When does that ever happen in London? Here, you can park on a meter on Rodeo Drive for 50p per hour. The equivalent in Mayfair currently stands at £8 an hour, and that’s after paying the congestion charge!
6 You have to drink-drive. The most annoying of statements, and one that really makes my blood boil, especially when it comes from the mouth of someone English, as we very much have a zero tolerance culture for it. Back home, I wouldn’t associate with someone who drink-drives, as they are generally idiots in entirety. However, here it’s difficult – successful, intelligent, friendly people drink drive, which I find insane. But what is worse is when someone who has been here for ten minutes justifies it with the reasons that “everything’s so far” or “there are no taxis”. Everything’s not far – it’s the same as any big city. If you want to go out somewhere different to where you live, you make the choice. Stay over, stay sober, or take a taxi. And taxis are cheaper, have freephone numbers and turn up in fifteen minutes.
7. Everyone’s an actor. There are a lot here, true, but the town still has builders, bakers and candlestickmakers!
8. Americans don’t get sarcasm. cf. Chandler in Friends. Case closed.
9. It’s hard to date. Americans are incredibly forward. It’s not difficult. Try using an English accent. That scene with Kris Marshall from Love Actually is not fictional. It’s not hard to date, people are just fussy and focused on their careers.
10. The Governor is a Terminator. Ok, so that one was true. But things change…
Darren Darnborough is a British expat and journalist living in Los Angeles. www.DarrenD.co.uk
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