Greeting Breeps!
It’s that Toscar time of year again; I believe all films are in the can and the editors are busy honing their films down to five minutes. This year I got to play again instead of the hard, crazy work of producing the event – this year’s honor goes to the marvellous chairlady Nadia Wit! – Looks like it’s going to be a fun one this year with no frills but lots of booze.
Anyway this year I got to play a role too, that is so transformative – I don’t think anyone is going to recognize me – I was in make-up for all of one-and-a-half minutes. I got to work with the lovely Sarah Thompson again (She was my first ever on-screen kiss in a British TV show called ‘Dream Team’) well let’s just say we get to do a bit more than that in this film, which is a parody of Birdman – if you want to know more you will just have to come and join us on the night of Feb 17th. Location TBA. The Toscars have been variously described as ‘the most fun all award season” (The Guardian) and “silly” (BBC America). And I say yes to both. Plus Ron Jeremy, who first cut his acting chops in last year’s PG-13 rated “British Hustle” will be back again this year for a surprising turn in the parody of “Selma.” – Hmmm! I can’t wait to see that!
It always amazes me when I watch acceptance speeches at these award shows, how ill-prepared most of the winners appear to be…. so In the spirit of award season and re-reading The Secret, I thought it might be fun to dream out what my Oscar week would look like, so here goes:….
Don’t eat for five days before the show.
Work out abnormally hard. But just the upper, because they rarely show the legs on camera anyway.
Smile on the red carpet for the paps and Kerstin Alm, (Mammarazzi)
Have some witty banter ready for Ryan Seacrest.
Blatantly name drop of the designer I’m wearing, then duck into the bathroom to tweet it with hashtag, so I get to keep the tuxedo (which I had tailored earlier at Stitch, the fab new alterations store on Melrose owned by my great friend Alex Harden (7306 Melrose Avenue).
Hob-nob with the other nominees and tell them how gorgeous they look, even without seeing them, because I will be too distracted and not listening and obviously scanning the room to see who’s looking at ME.
Once I’m sitting down in the theatre and they show a clip of my film and say my name as a nominee. I’m gonna get really coquettish and shy. Then when I win, I’m totally gonna pretend to be shocked, then I’ll walk thru the audience wishing all these agents and studio execs I don’t know, would stop pawing at me, I’m allergic to BS. (They didn’t wanna know me three years ago.) And now on stage, I’m totally gonna cry, forget my speech, and lie and say I didn’t prep one, because I totally didn’t think I was gonna win this year! I’ll say “Um” a LOT. Say “Oh My GOD” A lot. “What an honor” will be used. I will say something about a disabled community and the war in Afganiraq, and how HARD this journey has been for me. And of course mention my fellow nominees by their first names, so everyone thinks we are all really tight. I will forget to thank the following…The Whacademy, my agents, my Mum and Dad and The love Of My Life, Jesus Christ Almighty, Moses and their Dad, God. (Coz you always forget the important ones in moments of dribbling panic.) I’ll waffle on till the orchestra starts playing. Then I’ll speed up my waffling to around 75 rpm and waffle more. Play with my hair a bit. Wink at Belinda Gosbee, coz I know she was desperate to be on my team, I’ll say Thank you AGAIN. Pick up the award and say “Phwoar – This is heavy.” And more than likely, I’m gonna walk the wrong way off stage…
After, I’ll go to ten after-parties and dance with my award above my head. I’ll let Elton John touch it! Coz he’s Elton blooming John! Then I’ll go to Astro Burger and be photographed by the paps just to show the plebs, I’m normal. When I get home that night, I’ll watch the reruns on the DVR Replay seeing myself win about 50 times, then just for fun I’ll freeze frame on all of the other nominees in my category and pause on their faces at the moment their dreams were crushed and laugh inside. Schadenfreude is a beautiful thing. Thanks The Secret – Hope to make your dreams into reality!!!
Or maybe I’ll just do the Astro Burger part!
We have had some great happenings recently including a screening of the Johnny Depp movie Mortdecai, a special Kingsman: Secret Service preview of the costumes and a trip to see the Queen Elizabeth dock next to the Queen Mary in Long Beach and we are about to launch our dining club series for our Key Members – featuring special dinners at our favourite places. So it really pays to be a member – send us an email at Britsinla@gmail.com to see how you can be come a member too.
Hope you have a great week ahead and look forward to seeing you at one of our upcoming events.
Cheers!
Craig
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